Managing conflict in your relationship after a brain tumour diagnosis

No matter how much a couple loves each other, a brain tumour diagnosis can add another level of stress that is challenging and distressing to cope with. Here we give you some tips on managing conflict in your relationship, that can help to navigate it better.

Living with some of the everyday effects caused by a brain tumour or its treatment is enough to make anybody more argumentative. For carers and partners though, these arguments can often lead to feeling like their help isn’t wanted or working.

Other side effects of a brain tumour, like personality changes or depression, can even cause someone to behave in an upsetting way without realising it. Many carers and partners say that sometimes it can seem like their partner is a completely different person.

Whether you’re living with a brain tumour or your partner is, coping with these additional arguments can add conflict to your relationship. It can be particularly difficult if one or both of you are finding it hard to talk about your feelings.

How to manage conflict in your relationship after a brain tumour diagnosis

We have some tips on how to approach and hopefully resolve conflict that you’re having in your relationship after a brain tumour diagnosis.

These centre on communication, healthy ways to disagree, and setting boundaries.

1. Communication

Stay calm and speak clearly: Express your feelings and needs calmly, without raising your voice or using harsh language.  This makes it a lot easier to keep the conversation constructive and focused on finding the best resolution.

Use “I” instead of “you”: Focus on how you feel rather than using language that can make your partner feel blamed. For example, instead of saying “You always…”, try “I feel…” or rather than saying “you need to…”, try saying “I would like…”

If a partner feels accused of certain actions or behaviours, it is quite normal to feel attacked and become defensive. But, by telling them how you feel, you can help them understand why you’re upset.

Listen actively: Pay attention to your partner’s perspective and hear their point of view. 

Sometimes in arguments we stop listening because we are thinking about what we’re going to say next. But, if you focus on what your partner is saying and feeling, you might hear something that you haven’t considered before. This helps to build a sense of mutual appreciation and respect, rather than blame and contempt.

Fight the urge to interrupt or get defensive: It is quite natural to have the urge to interrupt your partner if you don’t agree with what they’re saying. It is also a very normal response in any relationship to become defensive when we feel criticised.

Allowing your partner space to share their thoughts and feelings will build trust and feelings of mutual support, as well as focussing on communicating what really needs to be said and heard to strengthen couple bonds.

Consider professional help: Communication is vital for resolving conflict in a relationship. But this can take plenty of practice and patience from both partners.

You don’t need to go through this alone though. Professional relationship counselling offers a safe and neutral space to support people experiencing relationship difficulties.

2. Navigating disagreements in a healthy way

Accept how your partner feels: Validate your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with their point of view. You can do this by giving them your full attention, listening to what they are saying and not becoming defensive or offering advice.

Your partner is simply trying to express what they’re going through. So, accept what they’re feeling and try to see things from their perspective.

Aim to compromise: Find solutions that meet both of your needs. 

Conflict often starts because you and your partner have different points of view. These might not change during the conflict, so aim to find some common ground and build a resolution from there. It can be helpful to think about what you truly need or desire, and what you are willing to sacrifice. Keeping an open mind can also be useful when trying to find common ground.

Agree to disagree: Sometimes, you may not be able to resolve a conflict completely. That’s fine – don’t feel you always need to settle an argument on a clear resolution. Sometimes a good enough resolution is that you can both agree and accept you have different points of view!

As long as you both have discussed your differing feelings in a healthy, constructive way, you might have some insight into each other’s points of view that can be a great place to start.  

Forgive and forget: Holding onto grudges can damage a relationship. Although it might not always be easy, try to be satisfied that you shared your feelings and do your best to focus on the future. Setting aside conflict can help a relationship to grow and enable new memories to take shape.

Take time to reflect: If both parties are willing, talk about the argument and what you can learn from it. What brought it on, and did you reach a resolution or compromise that will make things better for you both moving forward?

3. Establishing healthy boundaries

Respect each other’s boundaries: Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, even during an argument. 

Your goal shouldn’t be to hurt the other person or ‘win’ the argument. Instead, try to discuss your point of view while still being empathetic to your partner’s feelings though active listening – focus on what is being said, show interest, ask open questions and validate the other persons feelings.

Don’t allow name-calling or mocking: If your partner engages in disrespectful behaviour, address it calmly and firmly. 

Even though arguments are often more heated than calm conversations, it is still important to keep the subject matter constructive. That way you can work towards resolution or compromise. Try using feelings statements to make your own position clear for example, “that felt like an insult”, “that hurt my feelings” or “please say that differently to me”

Take a break, but don’t leave it unfinished: If emotions are running high, take a break to calm down before continuing the conversation. But, be sure to come back to it at some point.

Leaving things unfinished can help resentment grow. Communicating a need for things to calm down can be an important part of working with conflict in relationships for example, “I need to take a break now”, “I am starting to feel overwhelmed” or “can we talk about something else for a while?”